We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
one might say we're banned from that church
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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