I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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