i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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