i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
