piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
