I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
