i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
you never un-have a 4some
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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