i just had sex bonerless
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
