My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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