I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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