my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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