"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
