I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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