I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
