Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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