Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
