Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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