I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
