I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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