Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
is that a dick in a sweater?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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