You smell like stripper and shame
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
