I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
