btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
