How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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