so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
