I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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