I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
