he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up under a house in Key West
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize