Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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