Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
