It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
