I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
