I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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