I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
