Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
