cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize