At least make sure they are 18
Why
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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