I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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