omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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