I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
