I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
