The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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