I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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