dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
True strength comes from lack of pants
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
