Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
