forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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