Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
