I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
