I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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