you didnt know i had herpes?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
