I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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