Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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