it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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