If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're like the curious george of whores
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
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