Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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