I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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