So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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