just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
