Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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