Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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